If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
