I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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