im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Randomize
