This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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