peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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