he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
