somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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