My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
