Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
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