She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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