We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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