Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
id be glad to
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
