we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
