I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
