If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Randomize
