I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Oh god it's open bar.
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