The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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