So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
