The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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