Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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