Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
