I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
