I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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