that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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