I puked a lego.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
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