I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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