I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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