its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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