Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
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