Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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