sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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