i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Randomize
