Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
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