I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
