I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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