What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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