can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
party gras won. party gras always wins.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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