I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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