The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Randomize
