when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
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it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
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I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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