and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
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A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
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Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
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