An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
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