i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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