No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
