New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
