I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
