is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
