Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Randomize
