Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
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Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
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I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
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