He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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