I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Randomize
