If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
