I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
